What is your Excuse?

So last night - I met with a group of men. It's a small group of great men. We make an effort to show up regularly, and over a meal, hear each other out. There is absolutely no room for any BS.
It's direct, straight to the point about how we are feeling, how we are handling our own individual lives, relationships, careers etc. There's no judgement - plenty of feedback though. We speak our truth. And we are prepared to be questioned on that (or to receive feedback) - it's great. High accountability to be as authentic, integral a man as we can be. Our partners and families support us taking time out of our lives, to I suppose, in business terms, work on our lives.

Well another man joined us last night - a man whom we have not seen for some time. I was blown away by a statement from one of the other men (to this man):

"You are always welcome here. And you need to know that we will Never follow you up or chase you to be here."

Brilliant. In other words, each man takes his own responsibility for doing what is important to him - like showing up for this 'men's meeting' (although it has no name).

Then another man spoke of an email he had received from his partner (perhaps a cryptic hint) - it was a promotional email titled 'What is your excuse?' OMG - what a powerful, simple, yet complex question. Talk about knock me over with a feather. Here's what the email looked like and a link to the promo email online if you want to read it in full:
http://bit.ly/RJfz7
The OMG response was due to the fact the business meeting I attended prior to this 'meeting of men' was about scoping my professional services to get a job done in the next 8 weeks that could/would/should take months, even years. But when asked, if it was realistic to achieve and deliver on the task; rather than give up excuses; I told them (first) that I was crazy and that yep it could be done. Of course the outcome has to be scaled to the time frame. The prelude to the question that received me 'I'm crazy' response, was that this particular outcome had not been achieved in the last 5 years since I had interacted with this group. And with all due respect, all I heard were (very valid) reasons why the outcome had not yet been achieved. Time to do something different I suppose. Nothing like just taking action and pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Funny, because that came up in conversation amongst the men over dinner - just taking action, any action and then adjusting with the circumstances. Now the Planners reading this are about to plot my demise (don't worry, I understand the 'Planner' archetype only too well - my wife is a self confessed planner). There is a time and place for sitting down, and planning things out, thinking them through - even I can attest to this, professionally this is required - but when does the planning, thinking, pondering, wondering, movie-making, dramatising, devil-advocating, nit-picking, procrastinating, putting off, reason generating, busy-busy too busy-to-start mask turn into:

EXCUSES

Ever heard the saying 'A man of his word' ? What do you believe this means? A man is what he says he is? He is what he says he'll do?
Perhaps it's closer to a man is judged on the net result of his promise (his word) + his action.

So here's the thing - if you have an addiction, let's say to caffeine or nicotine even, would it be fair to say that you could be identified as a coffee addict, or a smoker? Are smokers generally believed to be addicted to nicotine? [if you haven't answered Yes yet - just get on board for the sake of the point being made alright?] So we would generally call a nicotine addict, a smoker. We would generally identify them as a smoker [although this is not their identity at all]. Alright, enough metaphors, let's get to the point: if you are a Man of Your Word, and you make excuses all of the time - what would you be called? What would you be identified as?

Men are renound and relied upon in all cultures, societies and communities to jump in and take action. If you are living your life to the fullest, maintaining your own integrity, if you are honourable, on purpose - there surely would be No room for excuses...

The email said:

"If you're using the excuse that you're too busy to be happy, you've made a choice to be busy, and in the process, you've copped out on living your life on purpose. If you've substituted being busy for actively and happily fulfilling your destiny, you need to reexamine your priorities."

"...begin to examine just how you prioritize your life."

"Henry David Thoreau is right when he says that there are nobler faculties you need to pay attention to, in addition to all of those other details that occupy your life. If you fear the part of your soul that's calling you to a higher place, then you'll probably continue to haul out this particular excuse."

"...take time for myself to live the life that I came here to live, and to do it without ignoring my responsibilities as a parent, spouse, or employee."

Great stuff. Go on, answer the questions now as honestly as you can:
What is my Excuse?
Am I a man of my word?
How am I a man of my word?
What is my word?
What is my excuse?
What is your means of means of maintaining your accountability, authenticity and integrity as a man.

Stop with the excuses. The excuse stop now. To quote another man from last night's discussion: "You either piss in the pot, or get off"

What is Your excuse?

The Myth of Male Power - Warren Farrell interview

Best-selling author and men's rights activist, Warren Farrell, gives an interview about his book, The Myth of Male Power. Total length: 3 hours and 17 minutes. (Audio only)

'Power' move by male students ruffles U. of C.

'Power' move by male students ruffles U. of C.

www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-u-of-c-mens-groupmay19,0,4707353.story
chicagotribune.com
'Power' move by male students ruffles U. of C.
By Sara Olkon Tribune reporter
11:34 PM CDT, May 27, 2009

A group of University of Chicago students think it's time the campus focused more on its men.

A third-year student from Lake Bluff has formed Men in Power, a student organization that promises to help men get ahead professionally. But the group's emergence has been controversial, with some critics charging that its premise is misogynistic.

Others say it's about time men are championed, noting that recent job losses hit men harder and that women earn far more bachelor's and master's degrees than do men.

"It's an enormous disparity now," said Warren Farrell, author of "The Myth of Male Power" and former board member of the New York chapter of the National Organization for Women. He noted, among other things, an imbalance in government and private initiatives that advance the interests of women and girls.

Further, Farrell said, just because some men are doing well is hardly a reason not to applaud efforts to boost the careers of other men.

"It's like saying 'is it OK for the Yankees to keep recruiting new players because the Chicago Cubs have not won as often?' "

Steve Saltarelli, the president of Men in Power, wrote a satirical column in March in which he suggested forming such a group. "Anyone with an interest in both studying and learning from men in powerful positions, as well as issues involved with reverse sexism, may become a member of MiP," he wrote.

Shortly after the column ran, Saltarelli started getting e-mail messages from men eager to join.

"Mainly people are just excited about the idea that men can have a group as well," Saltarelli explained.

Sharlene Holly, associate dean of students and the director of student activities, said the University of Chicago has approximately nine women's advocacy groups on campus; this group would be the first male advocacy group.

Saltarelli said some 125 students -- including a few women -- have joined the group via its Facebook page. He said the group would host pre-professional groups in law, medicine and business, foster ties with alumni, bring in speakers to discuss masculinity and mentor local middle school students as part of its "Little Men in Power" program.
Holly said she expected to approve the organization's application this week. As a registered student organization, Men in Power could then apply for event funding. The group plans to hold its first event, a student panel discussion titled "Gender and Media: Trespassing the Taboo," on June 2.

Saltarelli, who plans to attend law school, said the emergence of Men in Power has angered some students, especially "people very set in their ways."

To be sure, its title attracts attention.

"The name implies some things that I don't love," said Liz Scoggin, a third-year student who joined the group a couple of weeks ago and now heads its outreach efforts. "I feel like it implies there aren't enough men in power or that kind of thing."

But Scoggin, who is close friends with Saltarelli, said she joined after learning more about the group's aims and after she felt assured that the organization would not pursue a sexist agenda.

Jessica Pan, president of Women in Business and a fourth-year student, questioned whether Men in Power's goals were being met by existing student groups.

"I'm not sure we really need another student organization that focuses on pre-professional development for men," Pan said, noting that, in just the area of business, there were five or six students groups that were gender-neutral.

Similarly, Ali Feenstra, a third-year student and a member of the Feminist Majority, questioned Men in Power's utility.

"It's like starting 'white men in business' -- there's not really any purpose," she said.

Fred Hayward, founder of Men's Rights Inc., would disagree.

Hayward, who is based in Sacramento, Calif., started his men's group in 1977. Then and now, he said, women have not paid enough attention to what it means to be a man in modern society.

Hayward said one of the biggest myths borne of the women's movement was that men like to help each other out.

"We are competing directly for access to women and jobs," he said.

The group's birth comes at a time when the recessionary ax has fallen especially hard on men. In April, the national unemployment rate for men was 10 percent compared with 7.6 percent for women, said Mark Perry, an economist at the University of Michigan in Flint.

That gap is an "all-time historical high," said Perry, who attributed it in part to a loss of jobs in male-dominated fields such as manufacturing and construction.

At the same time, he noted, women today hold about three out of the four jobs in education and health care -- both stable or expanding job fields.

Future employment is also an issue, some experts say. Since 1981, women have collected 135 for every 100 bachelor's degrees awarded to men, according to Perry. The gap is even wider at the master's level, with women trumping men 150 to 100, he said.

Saltarelli hopes Men in Power will help more men get ahead while raising awareness of the male experience.

"If we have good men in our society, everyone benefits," he said.

solkon@tribune.com
Copyright © 2009, Chicago Tribune

Why having daughters makes fathers likely to agree Left-wing views

The boys who feel closer to Bob the Builder than their fathers

The boys who feel closer to Bob the Builder than their fathers
By Sarah Harris Last updated at 1:28 PM on 25th May 2009 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1187163/The-boys-feel-closer-Bob-Builder-fathers.html?ITO=1490#

Can we fix it: Some boys feel closer to the cartoon character Bob the Builder than they do to their own fathers

Some young boys are forming closer bonds with television characters such as Bob the Builder than with their own families, an expert has warned. They spend more time interacting with their on-screen 'friends' than talking or playing with their parents and other children.
Sue Palmer, a literacy expert, has accused marketers of capitalising on this trend by producing ever more TV tie-in merchandise aimed at the under-threes. Boys 'attach' themselves to characters such as Bob, whose catchphrase is 'Can we fix it? Yes we can?', and associate them with 'safety and happiness', she warns. Miss Palmer said: 'If parents aren't careful, and especially if they aren't around, their son's relationship with Elmo, Bob the Builder or Fireman Sam could rival his relationship with them.' She argues that this can disturb the process of developing real-life relationships, and the resulting lack of human interaction could lead to emotional and communication problems. 'Talking and singing to children is critical to the development of empathy and language, but it does not work with screens,' Miss Palmer said. 'The danger is that the child will be more fascinated by the things they see on screen, and not learn and be fascinated by real-life human beings and real-life play.' Her new book, 21st Century Boys, argues that too many boys are being subjected to a 'toxic childhood' which involves 'junk food, junk play and junk culture'.

Furry friend: Sesame Street's Elmo

Children of both sexes are spending increasing amounts of time in front of the TV, but Miss Palmer says boys are more 'easily drawn into this unholy alliance between technology and consumerism'. They seem to be more susceptible to the need for ever more 'toy consumption'. And parents who feel guilty that their work hours leave them little time for their sons often 'throw money at the problem' by succumbing to pester power.

Miss Palmer said: ' Children have, of course, always become attached to favourite toys or other special objects and used them as comforters. 'What's different here is the commercial exploitation of a deep human need in children under three years old.'

The hero next door: Fireman Sam

She quoted Jocelyn Stevenson - the media executive who created the Bob the Builder series - as saying-that her job is to come up with shows 'so that the company can then go out and do all the marketing and branding, then sell the toys and the DVDs and so on'. Miss Palmer said: 'What Stevenson is doing is helping children become "attached" to Bob in the same way they would attach to a real-life person, associating him with safety and happiness.' She says Bob's 'boy-friendly ingredients of tool use, basic mechanics and male status' allow the character to 'cement the relationship' with the young male viewer.

Colwyn Trevarthern, a developmental psychologist, agreed with Miss Palmer's conclusions. He argued that initiating children into media-driven toy consumption was 'tantamount to neglect'. He said: 'There is a sense of poverty in these activities compared with those that develop the natural creativity of children.'

in·teg·rity (in teg′rə tē)

in·teg·rity (in teg′rə tē)

noun

1. the quality or state of being complete; unbroken condition; wholeness; entirety
2. the quality or state of being unimpaired; perfect condition; soundness
3. the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity

Where does your integrity lie? Everyone's is different. Integrity is backbone of any man - but it is how that man defines his own integrity that makes it so unique. How he defines what is 'in' the bounds of his integrity and what is 'out'. Sometimes it is best defined practically, in the moment, without analytical thought driving it. Like when you are asked to do something (inferring that you are skilled in that area and have some value to add) and are en-trusted with a responsibility. See, it is a man of integrity that can define for himself, what that responsibility is, and it is then is moral obligation or duty to adhere to, abide by, maintain and guard that responsibility with his whole being. For it was bestowed upon him on a platform of trust. A platform that will soon test his integrity, test his values and beliefs, test his moral fortitude. And when tested, the man is able to stay firm, grounded in his integrity. Nothing can sway him or coerce him because he has a resolve that can not be broken. He is a man of his word, of his integrity.

Trap for new players: integrity is different for everyone!

The point: sometimes a man acting from his integrity can seem like he may lose out, sometimes it can seem like a man is vying for his own interests. What we need to look for in men is that they can be trusted. To say that men can be trusted if they are consistent may be foolish - because guys have a rhythm that can change in a heart beat, and is reminisent of his ancestors primal, wild, non-conformist manner - yet at heart, men are the protectors (archetypal) and despite the apparent destructive manner that is often portrayed, men are also creators. A man who understands his own integrity, and that others do have a different interpretation of their own integrity, is a man that trusts himself. And a man who trusts himself, is OK invoking all aspects of his 'being a man'. This includes his warrior like protectiveness through to his vulnerability. He is OK in his own skin and we are all OK being near him whether he be in 'fierce' mode or 'nurturer' mode. When we see men who can not trust themselves - how can we trust them? Well for starters, we can trust that there is a being inside, under the masks who doesn't know which way to turn, which way is up, and which decisions to make because he doesn't know his own integrity. And we can trust that with some healthy, strong men-toring, that man will find his way - one day. Integrity when it is boiled down, consists of the combination of a man's Purpose, his Principles, and his Intentions - what are yours?