Iron John by Robert Bly (read by Robert Bly)

Iron John by Robert Bly was mentioned in the first post on this blog. For those who have not yet had the experience of the book - here is the author reading the book himself. Not a lot of visuals, mainly auditory. I must acknowledge, Bly's work is not everyone's cup of tea (academics may take exception to the verse) however there is 'something' in mythological fables and stories that captures our imaginations and resonates with the heritage that pumps through our veins. Be warned, there is over 180 minutes or 3 hours of narration below - thankfully it is broken into x20 (9 minute) videos to listen to and read by the author himself, Robert Bly.

Who's bringing home the bacon now?

So along with all the other archetypes we live out (and live up to) - the provider is a big one. Try this on for size: Family knows the man is out there 'earning a crust' 'bringing home the bacon' [$$$ cliches are flowing aren't they?], they respect that their father/husband/partner is doing his best - sometimes even (make)believing he is conquering the world. Then he makes that dreaded phone call that starts with "I have some news, are you sitting down?"

Reality strikes - he is out of work. The primary, potent provider is all of a sudden not fulfilling that role (or archetype). He questions his value, his ability to contribute, to provide, maybe even his potentcy as the (alpha) male of his pack. Not good for survival in the jungle if you would like to get on primal about about it!

But wait a minute, if we're looking to nature for the answers [plug the National Geographic here?] it is the male that is the hunter, and the female that is the gatherer.

Jokes aside, this is a real dilemma for a lot of homes right now. More and more redundancies, companies down-sizing, shutting down. It was only the other day in a conversation that a story was told of a 54 year old man, father of 4, primary provider, that fronted up for work blissfully unaware of the impending news that his colleagues already knew. He practiced in a very specialised area of law. He was wisked into a meeting with the firm's Partners, and swiftly told that his role no longer existed. No golden handshakes, just the box on the boardroom table with his personal belongings that had been packed for him. As it turns out, he will not regain employment in that area of law for at least another 5-10 years because of the social, political and economic circumstances at the time. The only immediate prospect for his family was for his wife to get some work, as he was either too old or over qualified.

Here is some timely advice shared with me by a good man, and that I shared with the man who had lost his job and his family:

"You know, you wife's holding the fort is a good thing and allows her some important self time and contribution to your family. The guilts of being a stay at home Dad and not "bringing the bacon" is difficult as I have found out over the past when my wife has been the one to "bring the bacon".
I understand your dilemma in those matters.
However it has been my experience that when I trip off into the guilts and try to make things happen, I do some major things that don't work.
2 prime examples come to mind

1. Make bad mistakes in judgement.
2. Miss out valuable lessons and joys while not being in the moment.

As time goes on, I learn to stay in the present more and more and enjoy the experience of not bringing home the bacon.

The injunction that nature has bestowed on me as a man is a curse whilst most wild beasts employ the female of the species to bring in the food.
Is it such a bad thing for your wife to do so?
I think not and urge you to enjoy this time to the fullest - magical things take place every day in so many forms.

It just takes us to get out of our own self's way for that to happen. Easier said than done - but I hope this helps.

Be kind to yourself."

Understanding of our rhythm as men + chocolate cake

So there is just something about being able to spill your guts with other guys who understand you inside out, who understand how we as guys sometimes just f#%k things up. Come on, let’s face it – there’s a bucket load of $$$ in speaking and publishing books and product about the differences between Man and Woman (and which planet we come from); and the debate is always futile because someone, with Their point of view is always going to be right (or need to be right). There are just some things that need to be vented (by men) in the presence of (good) men – and not with partners, daughters, mothers, (female) work colleagues. Guys have a certain rhythm, a certain way going about things. We are more likely [insert stereotyped generalisation here] to be like a bull-at-a-gate, you know, confront things head-on. Or the opposite, avoid things like a bad smell (even though we are often responsible for the smell?!?!)

Relationships are to be cherished, nurtured, and maintained. Men often need a unique perspective of a relationship (to do this) that they can only find when they get a breather, when they step back out of the ring, into their corner for a time out. Isn’t it obvious guys? Women do this naturally. We Men need a crow bar under us to ‘open up’ or ‘share’ where we are at, what are world is like. And it is by no means an easy thing to do. Some men quickly throw on the mask and give a great BS commentary on how weak or sissy it is to actually sit down and openly share what is it like in their world, with other men. And I mean sharing in a guy’s way. It has been widely documented how the feminist movement has done a great job in boosting the rights and equality of Women, and somewhere in there (some of) the men’s movement lost its balls! So much so that getting back to grass roots, doing guy stuff (like men-toring each other) became un-man-like. Men, I’ve got news for you. Women can not stand sissy, light and fluffy men.Boys looking up to Men as role models, need to experience Heroes, Kings, Warriors, Adventurers, Magicians, Lovers, Leaders, Fathers, Brothers with compassion, certainty, understanding, purpose, vulnerability. All to learn how to be a man themselves.

The following is body copy from a number of emails between Men – a follow on from a heart felt discussion (in person) about complexities of their relationships. Names have been omitted and/or altered to honour privacy, and out of respect to those whom the conversation may reference. These Men have given permission for these heart-felt words to be published because they understand other men – and the best way to lead men is by example. The context of the following conversation is centred on trying to grasp an understanding of our rhythm as men and how that works in with our partners when we are in relationship. How it is that we can feel safe opening up our world with other good men, yet if done (in a guy’s way) in relationship it can be fuel on a fire. And how our partners get to experience all aspects of us as men 24/7, so will unconsciously know our trigger points, hold us accountable, and hold a different set of expectations for us. This conversation is about a bunch of good men, seeking to better comprehend who they are, and who they are in relationship, so that they can continue to honour and respect both their relationship and their partner.

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I am often reminded of the story I heard about a health dietary guru that spoke wide and far about healthy eating but had an addiction or perhaps simply enjoyed chocolate cake. So behind closed doors they indulged the desire. Bottom line is at home our partners get to see, hear and know about the 'chocolate cake'. They see our real world, our reality. I realised just how much of what you shared is mirrored in my life. I know that I can make a difference in people’s lives but being in relationship shows up where I fail myself in my life. I guess if we were all perfect and did everything 'right' then we would not be human. Humanity is based on 'not being perfect but desiring perfection' if we did not desire something greater, then life would be a one-way street going the wrong way.

I am sitting with seeking a distinction of how we can sit around a table, share our reality, and not feel challenged or invalidated by each other but when our partners dare say the same thing the road leads to crisis. I am seeking the answer in my writing of this. I think it is in the ability to (in the moment) ask myself how I would listen and speak if I was speaking with one of you in the moment that I interact with my partner. Could I in this moment make a choice to hear and speak differently and change the communication pattern between myself and my partner without loosing the connection and intimacy of the relationship and without becoming my partner’s therapist?

I would value your comments on this.

Peter

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Briefly Peter,

You won’t know till you try I guess.

For me, just sharing and actually being heard by both of us actually deepens our intimacy – cause at those times we are just our raw feeling selves.

My Partner and I now embark on a journey of practicing that and with the help of our therapist.

Hope this sheds some light for you my friend

Scott

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This one seems to extend to family (to varying degrees) too - is it not true for most of us that we'd have a shorter fuse with immediate family members more so than say, the four of us guys?

I know it's true for me.

Partners and families are the closest to us (outside of our chosen family friends/brothers) yet it is easier to slip into crisis or combat (for want of a better word) with these loved ones for whom we actually care about.

I don't get why I, in my vulnerability, hurt, confusion, stress, anger, instinctively engage in chocolate cake throwing (or s@#t slinging) or
fancy shmancy sophisticated language with my partner, way way before I would if I were sharing with or listening to you guys.

What really gets me though, is that in that ultimate moment of intimacy (sharing a truth or vulnerability) the instant 'just add water' crisis or combat is threatening intimacy and in fact demonstrating disrespect.

That gets to me because (in our family), we base everything on respect -
respect is like the root value, the basis of anything we teach our family, the basis of any discipline, the basis of all and any agreements we make
with each other. Respect is the basis for manners, ethics, acceptance of other beliefs etc etc.

My point is that we keep it simple; is it demonstrating respect, or disrespect? And yet it is so easy for me [experiencing a distinction here] to automatically/unconsciously drop into a mode of disrespect by not just listening, by using well crafted language, by getting hooked in emotionally - or conversely, by not being listened to (the way I want to
be listened to), or being on the receiving end of well crafted language. It seems so easy to go against that value of respect with the one I love
the most [insert paradox here], and we both do it. I am convinced now that we are not the only ones doing this too.

*************QUESTION for further discussion:

Why is it that we so easily hurt and get hurt by the ones we love (when deep down we probably want to shield or protect them from being hurt)?

Cheers

Chris

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Hmm just some random thoughts in your guys’ discussion, I believe that it is because of the intimacy, connection, shared values etc
that each of us share with those whom we love, that creates the confusion the conflict and tension. Because it is from them that we expect the
support/healing/nurturing, we want our partners to love us the way we want; we want them to listen to us the way we want. Our engagement, our enmeshment with them forces an expectation (whether consciously or unconsciously) that they know us better than anyone else (and in some cases have even done the same work we have to the same level) therefore isn't it
realistic (consciously or unconsciously) to expect that which we most desire from those who are so close. We have an expectation of better from those who are close then mere friends/brothers as what they do or say has a much more direct impact on our daily lives then friends/brothers do. And our partners are very human and very female in their thoughts desires and issues regarding us, they expect the same thing from us as well plus more.
These are fundamentally basic emotions and desires, not everything we say can be heard in the same way and some things should not be shared to wives or partners, any of the greatest people have had confidants in which to share worries or doubt.

In moments of rawness when the capacity to listen or share is seriously compromised when the other person has little or no will to do that we strike out with the weapons we have at hand, as I believe the hierarchy of
needs or survival instinct/reptile brain kicks in, and in the heat of the moment we don’t exactly say it in a way for the other to actually hear it.
Being vulnerable when there are some sharp sticks being pointed at you is a very difficult prospect, and vulnerability can be the ultimate weapon to
disarm someone from attacking you.

Anyway, tension is the lens in which creation becomes focussed.

Sincerely

Brad

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So who are you being?
Who are you being in your relationship/s?

IF by Rudyard Kipling

[IF] by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

I am someone you know very well

So the following are not my words, but they are. Original author unknown, yet many claim this author's fame (or insight into our psyche). If anything, these words speak from the roots of my being. Why be narcissistic about about it? They more likely speak the unspoken in all of us:

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled. I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, that the waters are calm, and that I'm in command, and I need no one. But don't believe it. Please don't. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath lays no smugness. Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my own weakness being exposed. That's why I create a mask to hide behind, to help me pretend. To shield me from the glance that knows. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance, I'm afraid that you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and that your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down inside I'm nothing. That I'm just no good, and that you'll see and reject me.

So I play my games, my desperate pretending games, with the facade of assurance on the outside, and trembling child within. And so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk, I tell you everything that's really nothing. Nothing of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say. What for survival I need to say, but I can't say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phony games I'm playing. I'd really like to be genuine. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me.

Can you help me? Help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope.

Please try to take down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands. For a child is very sensitive, and I am a child. Who am I you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. I am every man, every woman, every child, every human you meet.

The Greek Odysseus' friend Mentor + Jack Canfield: Finding a Mentor

In Greek mythology, 'Mentor' (Greek language | Greek: 'Μέντωρ/Méntōr'; gen.: έντορος)Mentor was the son of Alcumus and, in his old age, a friend of Odysseus. When Odysseus left for the Trojan War he placed Mentor in charge of his son,Telemachus, and of his palace.The Greek storyteller Homer tells of Odysseus, the King of Ithaca. In this tale, Odysseus asked his friend Mentor to watch over his son Telemachus while he fought in the Trojan War. Mentor was a faithful friend of Odysseus who was left behind on Ithaca as Telemachus' tutor; he was wise, sober, and loyal. Telemachus was just entering manhood and was very self-conscious about his duty and his father's reputation as a hero, which he felt he must live up to.

In this classic tale you can see that mentoring is one of the oldest forms of influence. Mentoring as a tool can be a powerful and popular way for people to gain personal and professional skills.

Synonyms: consultant, counselor, counsel, recommend, adviser, coach, counsellor, guide, instructor, teacher, trainer, tutor

Redundancy and Identity as a Man

So you have probably read about the unemployment statistics in the papers and think - poor bastards, that must be tough. The last month's statistics come out, and the numbers kind of blur into the background noise of the radio or television.

Well they did for me, until I became one of the Statistics. Yep, those numbers are actual people - maybe they should extend the news coverage to read out the names of the people made redundant in the previous month - yeah, not going to happen!

A weird dynamic occurs after the shock, denial, grief of a redundancy. Friends and relatives generally offer an amplified sympathetic response along the lines of 'Oh my God - that's terrible. What are you going to do? Don't worry, you'll get something in no time...' - all of course with the best intentions. Reality today, is that where there were 50-100 applicants for any one position, there are now up to 1000+. Employers are pulling their job vacancy ads after a few days because they simply can not cope with the sheer volume of applicants.

What does all of this have to do with identity? Well aside from financial strain, relationship strain, mental/emotional strain; a phenomena around self worth starts to kick in, and it is particularly potent [deliberate choice of words] for men. Traditionally the hunter, in more recent times, the provider, the man will naturally start to question himself, his worth, his ability. The whole topic of how we perceive our sense of our own self worth is the topic of another blog, another day, another time.

It is the role, that is topical right now. Man [and woman] has many roles to fulfill. And, we need to remember, there is a person, with a soul, an identity that occupies and performs those roles. It is far too easy for any of us mere mortals to associate with our roles and believe that we are in fact, our role/s. Now a very wise man, a close friend of mine, reminded me a few weeks ago that the reality is that we spend the best part of our day in our (job/profession/vocation) role, and of course that is going to influence who we are, or part of our identity. I wanted to debate it, but there comes a time when you are in the presence of an elder (well slightly, he's still young at heart) and just need to shut up and listen - well it was the case for me anyway!

If we associate with our job, or our role too much, it leaves us susceptable to outside influences impacting on our well-being, our sense of self. For example, if I were to introduce myself to someone and say, "Hi I am a Doctor/Builder/Director/Trainer/Laborer..." then I am associating my role with who I am. I am speaking at an Identity level as soon as I say "I am a...". Problem with this is that if external forces impact on that role (or my ability to perform that role), all of a sudden I personally am exposed. Exposed to the reality that if the role is taken away such as in the event of a redundancy, and I no longer fulfill the role (that I may have associated with), who am I without the role?

What are your roles in your life? How much do you associate your Self with these roles? Who are you (now)? Who are you without your roles?

Another wise friend recently said,

"I don't care what you are doing; I do care who you are being and whether you show up [for your life]"

Surround yourself with Men who will reflect your truth, call a spade a spade, and help you get to know who you are [being].

Phd's in Masculinity + your role as a man

Sitting next to a University Professor on the plane the other day - conversation steered (unlike the turbulent flight) to the topic his Phd - Masculinity.
Interesting given the recent publicity some of our sporting hero's have received for their efforts. So what is it? How is it formed in boys and men? When does it start? Who instills it? Who keeps it in check? How does it get distorted? Enough of the questions - this surely isn't a theoretical subject - it's a practical way of being. Or is it?

Thinking that I've done work on myself, I've got my masculinity in tact - I've counselled, coached, support men - I've got me s@#t together - I realised I also had an ego to go with all of that, and if I didn't keep my mouth shut I'd be Supersizing that Ego to go.

So, humility in check, I asked, then listened to my new Professor friend. Turns out that a lot of our fables, myths and stories (still used in schools as part of the 'modern day' curriculum) that centre around the hero boy as the main character - the boy does not have a Dad (or parents for that matter). Think back to The Jungle Story, Peter Pan, even as recently as Harry Potter. The are gazetted boy-hero has no father figure, no male role model - and our boys are learning to be just like him.

Young boys need their mothers; they need to balance, calm, love and care only a mother can give. Then, something shifts, and they need their father [or insert strong male father figure here] to rumble with, build, create and destroy with. Men are great for teaching boys the much needed boundaries they need for life. Men can rough and tumble, then stop at the height of excitement, and nurture and protect the boy from real harm (most will probably let him take a few knocks to 'ruff him up a little' - much to the mothers dismay). Then there is a time where the boy needs role models other than his father.

Some boys do get that healthy mentoring (away from their father), some don't. In both cases the boy may be attracted to some kind of sport because he is going to be able to get physical, hone his skills, and unconsciously get put on the straight and narrow by the coach. But where boys don't know boundaries, don't have solid values instilled in them - there's potential trouble. Because they will seek the leadership, guidance, mentoring from other boys or men who have not received any themselves - and Houston, we have a problem. The blind leading the blind some say.

My Professor friend on the plane backed this up - he posed the question:

"How can a boy be a good boy, and a good school boy?"

From his perspective, they are contradictory, diametrically opposed.

• Where does the question sit with you???
• How would you define a good boy as opposed to a good school boy?

Wouldn't be right to just give the answer - that'd be too easy. The hint is (compliance). Robert Bly wrote of the Wild Man in 'Iron John' - the Wild Man lies at the mythical root of a man's being; he is by no means compliant. I must add here that my new Professor friend did not agree with Robert Bly's writings, we had a difference of opinion on this point - I just love healthy debate.

We men need to understand our masculinity - all aspects of it. Not enough, and we are left with a society of airy-fairy, light and fluffy, half decafinated, passive aggressive cardboard cutouts of men that would blow over in a breeze [insert politically correct appologies somewhere around here]. Too much, and we are left with a society of aggressive, masoginous, disrespectful, purpose-less, lost men not even knowing how to ask for help to get them out of the turmoil they are in.

Get to know your own masculinity. Surround yourself with some men who are grounded, know themselves and even better, know and understand you! Us guys need that, we need someone (we trust) to be a bit more direct with us sometimes, call it how they see it, to give us some healthy feedback, and the reality check that keeps our Man-like Supersized Egos in place.So the Question is:

Outside of your roles in life - who are you being?