What is your Excuse?

So last night - I met with a group of men. It's a small group of great men. We make an effort to show up regularly, and over a meal, hear each other out. There is absolutely no room for any BS.
It's direct, straight to the point about how we are feeling, how we are handling our own individual lives, relationships, careers etc. There's no judgement - plenty of feedback though. We speak our truth. And we are prepared to be questioned on that (or to receive feedback) - it's great. High accountability to be as authentic, integral a man as we can be. Our partners and families support us taking time out of our lives, to I suppose, in business terms, work on our lives.

Well another man joined us last night - a man whom we have not seen for some time. I was blown away by a statement from one of the other men (to this man):

"You are always welcome here. And you need to know that we will Never follow you up or chase you to be here."

Brilliant. In other words, each man takes his own responsibility for doing what is important to him - like showing up for this 'men's meeting' (although it has no name).

Then another man spoke of an email he had received from his partner (perhaps a cryptic hint) - it was a promotional email titled 'What is your excuse?' OMG - what a powerful, simple, yet complex question. Talk about knock me over with a feather. Here's what the email looked like and a link to the promo email online if you want to read it in full:
http://bit.ly/RJfz7
The OMG response was due to the fact the business meeting I attended prior to this 'meeting of men' was about scoping my professional services to get a job done in the next 8 weeks that could/would/should take months, even years. But when asked, if it was realistic to achieve and deliver on the task; rather than give up excuses; I told them (first) that I was crazy and that yep it could be done. Of course the outcome has to be scaled to the time frame. The prelude to the question that received me 'I'm crazy' response, was that this particular outcome had not been achieved in the last 5 years since I had interacted with this group. And with all due respect, all I heard were (very valid) reasons why the outcome had not yet been achieved. Time to do something different I suppose. Nothing like just taking action and pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Funny, because that came up in conversation amongst the men over dinner - just taking action, any action and then adjusting with the circumstances. Now the Planners reading this are about to plot my demise (don't worry, I understand the 'Planner' archetype only too well - my wife is a self confessed planner). There is a time and place for sitting down, and planning things out, thinking them through - even I can attest to this, professionally this is required - but when does the planning, thinking, pondering, wondering, movie-making, dramatising, devil-advocating, nit-picking, procrastinating, putting off, reason generating, busy-busy too busy-to-start mask turn into:

EXCUSES

Ever heard the saying 'A man of his word' ? What do you believe this means? A man is what he says he is? He is what he says he'll do?
Perhaps it's closer to a man is judged on the net result of his promise (his word) + his action.

So here's the thing - if you have an addiction, let's say to caffeine or nicotine even, would it be fair to say that you could be identified as a coffee addict, or a smoker? Are smokers generally believed to be addicted to nicotine? [if you haven't answered Yes yet - just get on board for the sake of the point being made alright?] So we would generally call a nicotine addict, a smoker. We would generally identify them as a smoker [although this is not their identity at all]. Alright, enough metaphors, let's get to the point: if you are a Man of Your Word, and you make excuses all of the time - what would you be called? What would you be identified as?

Men are renound and relied upon in all cultures, societies and communities to jump in and take action. If you are living your life to the fullest, maintaining your own integrity, if you are honourable, on purpose - there surely would be No room for excuses...

The email said:

"If you're using the excuse that you're too busy to be happy, you've made a choice to be busy, and in the process, you've copped out on living your life on purpose. If you've substituted being busy for actively and happily fulfilling your destiny, you need to reexamine your priorities."

"...begin to examine just how you prioritize your life."

"Henry David Thoreau is right when he says that there are nobler faculties you need to pay attention to, in addition to all of those other details that occupy your life. If you fear the part of your soul that's calling you to a higher place, then you'll probably continue to haul out this particular excuse."

"...take time for myself to live the life that I came here to live, and to do it without ignoring my responsibilities as a parent, spouse, or employee."

Great stuff. Go on, answer the questions now as honestly as you can:
What is my Excuse?
Am I a man of my word?
How am I a man of my word?
What is my word?
What is my excuse?
What is your means of means of maintaining your accountability, authenticity and integrity as a man.

Stop with the excuses. The excuse stop now. To quote another man from last night's discussion: "You either piss in the pot, or get off"

What is Your excuse?

The Myth of Male Power - Warren Farrell interview

Best-selling author and men's rights activist, Warren Farrell, gives an interview about his book, The Myth of Male Power. Total length: 3 hours and 17 minutes. (Audio only)

'Power' move by male students ruffles U. of C.

'Power' move by male students ruffles U. of C.

www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-u-of-c-mens-groupmay19,0,4707353.story
chicagotribune.com
'Power' move by male students ruffles U. of C.
By Sara Olkon Tribune reporter
11:34 PM CDT, May 27, 2009

A group of University of Chicago students think it's time the campus focused more on its men.

A third-year student from Lake Bluff has formed Men in Power, a student organization that promises to help men get ahead professionally. But the group's emergence has been controversial, with some critics charging that its premise is misogynistic.

Others say it's about time men are championed, noting that recent job losses hit men harder and that women earn far more bachelor's and master's degrees than do men.

"It's an enormous disparity now," said Warren Farrell, author of "The Myth of Male Power" and former board member of the New York chapter of the National Organization for Women. He noted, among other things, an imbalance in government and private initiatives that advance the interests of women and girls.

Further, Farrell said, just because some men are doing well is hardly a reason not to applaud efforts to boost the careers of other men.

"It's like saying 'is it OK for the Yankees to keep recruiting new players because the Chicago Cubs have not won as often?' "

Steve Saltarelli, the president of Men in Power, wrote a satirical column in March in which he suggested forming such a group. "Anyone with an interest in both studying and learning from men in powerful positions, as well as issues involved with reverse sexism, may become a member of MiP," he wrote.

Shortly after the column ran, Saltarelli started getting e-mail messages from men eager to join.

"Mainly people are just excited about the idea that men can have a group as well," Saltarelli explained.

Sharlene Holly, associate dean of students and the director of student activities, said the University of Chicago has approximately nine women's advocacy groups on campus; this group would be the first male advocacy group.

Saltarelli said some 125 students -- including a few women -- have joined the group via its Facebook page. He said the group would host pre-professional groups in law, medicine and business, foster ties with alumni, bring in speakers to discuss masculinity and mentor local middle school students as part of its "Little Men in Power" program.
Holly said she expected to approve the organization's application this week. As a registered student organization, Men in Power could then apply for event funding. The group plans to hold its first event, a student panel discussion titled "Gender and Media: Trespassing the Taboo," on June 2.

Saltarelli, who plans to attend law school, said the emergence of Men in Power has angered some students, especially "people very set in their ways."

To be sure, its title attracts attention.

"The name implies some things that I don't love," said Liz Scoggin, a third-year student who joined the group a couple of weeks ago and now heads its outreach efforts. "I feel like it implies there aren't enough men in power or that kind of thing."

But Scoggin, who is close friends with Saltarelli, said she joined after learning more about the group's aims and after she felt assured that the organization would not pursue a sexist agenda.

Jessica Pan, president of Women in Business and a fourth-year student, questioned whether Men in Power's goals were being met by existing student groups.

"I'm not sure we really need another student organization that focuses on pre-professional development for men," Pan said, noting that, in just the area of business, there were five or six students groups that were gender-neutral.

Similarly, Ali Feenstra, a third-year student and a member of the Feminist Majority, questioned Men in Power's utility.

"It's like starting 'white men in business' -- there's not really any purpose," she said.

Fred Hayward, founder of Men's Rights Inc., would disagree.

Hayward, who is based in Sacramento, Calif., started his men's group in 1977. Then and now, he said, women have not paid enough attention to what it means to be a man in modern society.

Hayward said one of the biggest myths borne of the women's movement was that men like to help each other out.

"We are competing directly for access to women and jobs," he said.

The group's birth comes at a time when the recessionary ax has fallen especially hard on men. In April, the national unemployment rate for men was 10 percent compared with 7.6 percent for women, said Mark Perry, an economist at the University of Michigan in Flint.

That gap is an "all-time historical high," said Perry, who attributed it in part to a loss of jobs in male-dominated fields such as manufacturing and construction.

At the same time, he noted, women today hold about three out of the four jobs in education and health care -- both stable or expanding job fields.

Future employment is also an issue, some experts say. Since 1981, women have collected 135 for every 100 bachelor's degrees awarded to men, according to Perry. The gap is even wider at the master's level, with women trumping men 150 to 100, he said.

Saltarelli hopes Men in Power will help more men get ahead while raising awareness of the male experience.

"If we have good men in our society, everyone benefits," he said.

solkon@tribune.com
Copyright © 2009, Chicago Tribune

Why having daughters makes fathers likely to agree Left-wing views

The boys who feel closer to Bob the Builder than their fathers

The boys who feel closer to Bob the Builder than their fathers
By Sarah Harris Last updated at 1:28 PM on 25th May 2009 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1187163/The-boys-feel-closer-Bob-Builder-fathers.html?ITO=1490#

Can we fix it: Some boys feel closer to the cartoon character Bob the Builder than they do to their own fathers

Some young boys are forming closer bonds with television characters such as Bob the Builder than with their own families, an expert has warned. They spend more time interacting with their on-screen 'friends' than talking or playing with their parents and other children.
Sue Palmer, a literacy expert, has accused marketers of capitalising on this trend by producing ever more TV tie-in merchandise aimed at the under-threes. Boys 'attach' themselves to characters such as Bob, whose catchphrase is 'Can we fix it? Yes we can?', and associate them with 'safety and happiness', she warns. Miss Palmer said: 'If parents aren't careful, and especially if they aren't around, their son's relationship with Elmo, Bob the Builder or Fireman Sam could rival his relationship with them.' She argues that this can disturb the process of developing real-life relationships, and the resulting lack of human interaction could lead to emotional and communication problems. 'Talking and singing to children is critical to the development of empathy and language, but it does not work with screens,' Miss Palmer said. 'The danger is that the child will be more fascinated by the things they see on screen, and not learn and be fascinated by real-life human beings and real-life play.' Her new book, 21st Century Boys, argues that too many boys are being subjected to a 'toxic childhood' which involves 'junk food, junk play and junk culture'.

Furry friend: Sesame Street's Elmo

Children of both sexes are spending increasing amounts of time in front of the TV, but Miss Palmer says boys are more 'easily drawn into this unholy alliance between technology and consumerism'. They seem to be more susceptible to the need for ever more 'toy consumption'. And parents who feel guilty that their work hours leave them little time for their sons often 'throw money at the problem' by succumbing to pester power.

Miss Palmer said: ' Children have, of course, always become attached to favourite toys or other special objects and used them as comforters. 'What's different here is the commercial exploitation of a deep human need in children under three years old.'

The hero next door: Fireman Sam

She quoted Jocelyn Stevenson - the media executive who created the Bob the Builder series - as saying-that her job is to come up with shows 'so that the company can then go out and do all the marketing and branding, then sell the toys and the DVDs and so on'. Miss Palmer said: 'What Stevenson is doing is helping children become "attached" to Bob in the same way they would attach to a real-life person, associating him with safety and happiness.' She says Bob's 'boy-friendly ingredients of tool use, basic mechanics and male status' allow the character to 'cement the relationship' with the young male viewer.

Colwyn Trevarthern, a developmental psychologist, agreed with Miss Palmer's conclusions. He argued that initiating children into media-driven toy consumption was 'tantamount to neglect'. He said: 'There is a sense of poverty in these activities compared with those that develop the natural creativity of children.'

in·teg·rity (in teg′rə tē)

in·teg·rity (in teg′rə tē)

noun

1. the quality or state of being complete; unbroken condition; wholeness; entirety
2. the quality or state of being unimpaired; perfect condition; soundness
3. the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity

Where does your integrity lie? Everyone's is different. Integrity is backbone of any man - but it is how that man defines his own integrity that makes it so unique. How he defines what is 'in' the bounds of his integrity and what is 'out'. Sometimes it is best defined practically, in the moment, without analytical thought driving it. Like when you are asked to do something (inferring that you are skilled in that area and have some value to add) and are en-trusted with a responsibility. See, it is a man of integrity that can define for himself, what that responsibility is, and it is then is moral obligation or duty to adhere to, abide by, maintain and guard that responsibility with his whole being. For it was bestowed upon him on a platform of trust. A platform that will soon test his integrity, test his values and beliefs, test his moral fortitude. And when tested, the man is able to stay firm, grounded in his integrity. Nothing can sway him or coerce him because he has a resolve that can not be broken. He is a man of his word, of his integrity.

Trap for new players: integrity is different for everyone!

The point: sometimes a man acting from his integrity can seem like he may lose out, sometimes it can seem like a man is vying for his own interests. What we need to look for in men is that they can be trusted. To say that men can be trusted if they are consistent may be foolish - because guys have a rhythm that can change in a heart beat, and is reminisent of his ancestors primal, wild, non-conformist manner - yet at heart, men are the protectors (archetypal) and despite the apparent destructive manner that is often portrayed, men are also creators. A man who understands his own integrity, and that others do have a different interpretation of their own integrity, is a man that trusts himself. And a man who trusts himself, is OK invoking all aspects of his 'being a man'. This includes his warrior like protectiveness through to his vulnerability. He is OK in his own skin and we are all OK being near him whether he be in 'fierce' mode or 'nurturer' mode. When we see men who can not trust themselves - how can we trust them? Well for starters, we can trust that there is a being inside, under the masks who doesn't know which way to turn, which way is up, and which decisions to make because he doesn't know his own integrity. And we can trust that with some healthy, strong men-toring, that man will find his way - one day. Integrity when it is boiled down, consists of the combination of a man's Purpose, his Principles, and his Intentions - what are yours?

Iron John by Robert Bly (read by Robert Bly)

Iron John by Robert Bly was mentioned in the first post on this blog. For those who have not yet had the experience of the book - here is the author reading the book himself. Not a lot of visuals, mainly auditory. I must acknowledge, Bly's work is not everyone's cup of tea (academics may take exception to the verse) however there is 'something' in mythological fables and stories that captures our imaginations and resonates with the heritage that pumps through our veins. Be warned, there is over 180 minutes or 3 hours of narration below - thankfully it is broken into x20 (9 minute) videos to listen to and read by the author himself, Robert Bly.

Who's bringing home the bacon now?

So along with all the other archetypes we live out (and live up to) - the provider is a big one. Try this on for size: Family knows the man is out there 'earning a crust' 'bringing home the bacon' [$$$ cliches are flowing aren't they?], they respect that their father/husband/partner is doing his best - sometimes even (make)believing he is conquering the world. Then he makes that dreaded phone call that starts with "I have some news, are you sitting down?"

Reality strikes - he is out of work. The primary, potent provider is all of a sudden not fulfilling that role (or archetype). He questions his value, his ability to contribute, to provide, maybe even his potentcy as the (alpha) male of his pack. Not good for survival in the jungle if you would like to get on primal about about it!

But wait a minute, if we're looking to nature for the answers [plug the National Geographic here?] it is the male that is the hunter, and the female that is the gatherer.

Jokes aside, this is a real dilemma for a lot of homes right now. More and more redundancies, companies down-sizing, shutting down. It was only the other day in a conversation that a story was told of a 54 year old man, father of 4, primary provider, that fronted up for work blissfully unaware of the impending news that his colleagues already knew. He practiced in a very specialised area of law. He was wisked into a meeting with the firm's Partners, and swiftly told that his role no longer existed. No golden handshakes, just the box on the boardroom table with his personal belongings that had been packed for him. As it turns out, he will not regain employment in that area of law for at least another 5-10 years because of the social, political and economic circumstances at the time. The only immediate prospect for his family was for his wife to get some work, as he was either too old or over qualified.

Here is some timely advice shared with me by a good man, and that I shared with the man who had lost his job and his family:

"You know, you wife's holding the fort is a good thing and allows her some important self time and contribution to your family. The guilts of being a stay at home Dad and not "bringing the bacon" is difficult as I have found out over the past when my wife has been the one to "bring the bacon".
I understand your dilemma in those matters.
However it has been my experience that when I trip off into the guilts and try to make things happen, I do some major things that don't work.
2 prime examples come to mind

1. Make bad mistakes in judgement.
2. Miss out valuable lessons and joys while not being in the moment.

As time goes on, I learn to stay in the present more and more and enjoy the experience of not bringing home the bacon.

The injunction that nature has bestowed on me as a man is a curse whilst most wild beasts employ the female of the species to bring in the food.
Is it such a bad thing for your wife to do so?
I think not and urge you to enjoy this time to the fullest - magical things take place every day in so many forms.

It just takes us to get out of our own self's way for that to happen. Easier said than done - but I hope this helps.

Be kind to yourself."

Understanding of our rhythm as men + chocolate cake

So there is just something about being able to spill your guts with other guys who understand you inside out, who understand how we as guys sometimes just f#%k things up. Come on, let’s face it – there’s a bucket load of $$$ in speaking and publishing books and product about the differences between Man and Woman (and which planet we come from); and the debate is always futile because someone, with Their point of view is always going to be right (or need to be right). There are just some things that need to be vented (by men) in the presence of (good) men – and not with partners, daughters, mothers, (female) work colleagues. Guys have a certain rhythm, a certain way going about things. We are more likely [insert stereotyped generalisation here] to be like a bull-at-a-gate, you know, confront things head-on. Or the opposite, avoid things like a bad smell (even though we are often responsible for the smell?!?!)

Relationships are to be cherished, nurtured, and maintained. Men often need a unique perspective of a relationship (to do this) that they can only find when they get a breather, when they step back out of the ring, into their corner for a time out. Isn’t it obvious guys? Women do this naturally. We Men need a crow bar under us to ‘open up’ or ‘share’ where we are at, what are world is like. And it is by no means an easy thing to do. Some men quickly throw on the mask and give a great BS commentary on how weak or sissy it is to actually sit down and openly share what is it like in their world, with other men. And I mean sharing in a guy’s way. It has been widely documented how the feminist movement has done a great job in boosting the rights and equality of Women, and somewhere in there (some of) the men’s movement lost its balls! So much so that getting back to grass roots, doing guy stuff (like men-toring each other) became un-man-like. Men, I’ve got news for you. Women can not stand sissy, light and fluffy men.Boys looking up to Men as role models, need to experience Heroes, Kings, Warriors, Adventurers, Magicians, Lovers, Leaders, Fathers, Brothers with compassion, certainty, understanding, purpose, vulnerability. All to learn how to be a man themselves.

The following is body copy from a number of emails between Men – a follow on from a heart felt discussion (in person) about complexities of their relationships. Names have been omitted and/or altered to honour privacy, and out of respect to those whom the conversation may reference. These Men have given permission for these heart-felt words to be published because they understand other men – and the best way to lead men is by example. The context of the following conversation is centred on trying to grasp an understanding of our rhythm as men and how that works in with our partners when we are in relationship. How it is that we can feel safe opening up our world with other good men, yet if done (in a guy’s way) in relationship it can be fuel on a fire. And how our partners get to experience all aspects of us as men 24/7, so will unconsciously know our trigger points, hold us accountable, and hold a different set of expectations for us. This conversation is about a bunch of good men, seeking to better comprehend who they are, and who they are in relationship, so that they can continue to honour and respect both their relationship and their partner.

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I am often reminded of the story I heard about a health dietary guru that spoke wide and far about healthy eating but had an addiction or perhaps simply enjoyed chocolate cake. So behind closed doors they indulged the desire. Bottom line is at home our partners get to see, hear and know about the 'chocolate cake'. They see our real world, our reality. I realised just how much of what you shared is mirrored in my life. I know that I can make a difference in people’s lives but being in relationship shows up where I fail myself in my life. I guess if we were all perfect and did everything 'right' then we would not be human. Humanity is based on 'not being perfect but desiring perfection' if we did not desire something greater, then life would be a one-way street going the wrong way.

I am sitting with seeking a distinction of how we can sit around a table, share our reality, and not feel challenged or invalidated by each other but when our partners dare say the same thing the road leads to crisis. I am seeking the answer in my writing of this. I think it is in the ability to (in the moment) ask myself how I would listen and speak if I was speaking with one of you in the moment that I interact with my partner. Could I in this moment make a choice to hear and speak differently and change the communication pattern between myself and my partner without loosing the connection and intimacy of the relationship and without becoming my partner’s therapist?

I would value your comments on this.

Peter

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Briefly Peter,

You won’t know till you try I guess.

For me, just sharing and actually being heard by both of us actually deepens our intimacy – cause at those times we are just our raw feeling selves.

My Partner and I now embark on a journey of practicing that and with the help of our therapist.

Hope this sheds some light for you my friend

Scott

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This one seems to extend to family (to varying degrees) too - is it not true for most of us that we'd have a shorter fuse with immediate family members more so than say, the four of us guys?

I know it's true for me.

Partners and families are the closest to us (outside of our chosen family friends/brothers) yet it is easier to slip into crisis or combat (for want of a better word) with these loved ones for whom we actually care about.

I don't get why I, in my vulnerability, hurt, confusion, stress, anger, instinctively engage in chocolate cake throwing (or s@#t slinging) or
fancy shmancy sophisticated language with my partner, way way before I would if I were sharing with or listening to you guys.

What really gets me though, is that in that ultimate moment of intimacy (sharing a truth or vulnerability) the instant 'just add water' crisis or combat is threatening intimacy and in fact demonstrating disrespect.

That gets to me because (in our family), we base everything on respect -
respect is like the root value, the basis of anything we teach our family, the basis of any discipline, the basis of all and any agreements we make
with each other. Respect is the basis for manners, ethics, acceptance of other beliefs etc etc.

My point is that we keep it simple; is it demonstrating respect, or disrespect? And yet it is so easy for me [experiencing a distinction here] to automatically/unconsciously drop into a mode of disrespect by not just listening, by using well crafted language, by getting hooked in emotionally - or conversely, by not being listened to (the way I want to
be listened to), or being on the receiving end of well crafted language. It seems so easy to go against that value of respect with the one I love
the most [insert paradox here], and we both do it. I am convinced now that we are not the only ones doing this too.

*************QUESTION for further discussion:

Why is it that we so easily hurt and get hurt by the ones we love (when deep down we probably want to shield or protect them from being hurt)?

Cheers

Chris

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Hmm just some random thoughts in your guys’ discussion, I believe that it is because of the intimacy, connection, shared values etc
that each of us share with those whom we love, that creates the confusion the conflict and tension. Because it is from them that we expect the
support/healing/nurturing, we want our partners to love us the way we want; we want them to listen to us the way we want. Our engagement, our enmeshment with them forces an expectation (whether consciously or unconsciously) that they know us better than anyone else (and in some cases have even done the same work we have to the same level) therefore isn't it
realistic (consciously or unconsciously) to expect that which we most desire from those who are so close. We have an expectation of better from those who are close then mere friends/brothers as what they do or say has a much more direct impact on our daily lives then friends/brothers do. And our partners are very human and very female in their thoughts desires and issues regarding us, they expect the same thing from us as well plus more.
These are fundamentally basic emotions and desires, not everything we say can be heard in the same way and some things should not be shared to wives or partners, any of the greatest people have had confidants in which to share worries or doubt.

In moments of rawness when the capacity to listen or share is seriously compromised when the other person has little or no will to do that we strike out with the weapons we have at hand, as I believe the hierarchy of
needs or survival instinct/reptile brain kicks in, and in the heat of the moment we don’t exactly say it in a way for the other to actually hear it.
Being vulnerable when there are some sharp sticks being pointed at you is a very difficult prospect, and vulnerability can be the ultimate weapon to
disarm someone from attacking you.

Anyway, tension is the lens in which creation becomes focussed.

Sincerely

Brad

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So who are you being?
Who are you being in your relationship/s?

IF by Rudyard Kipling

[IF] by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

I am someone you know very well

So the following are not my words, but they are. Original author unknown, yet many claim this author's fame (or insight into our psyche). If anything, these words speak from the roots of my being. Why be narcissistic about about it? They more likely speak the unspoken in all of us:

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled. I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, that the waters are calm, and that I'm in command, and I need no one. But don't believe it. Please don't. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath lays no smugness. Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my own weakness being exposed. That's why I create a mask to hide behind, to help me pretend. To shield me from the glance that knows. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance, I'm afraid that you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and that your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down inside I'm nothing. That I'm just no good, and that you'll see and reject me.

So I play my games, my desperate pretending games, with the facade of assurance on the outside, and trembling child within. And so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk, I tell you everything that's really nothing. Nothing of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say. What for survival I need to say, but I can't say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phony games I'm playing. I'd really like to be genuine. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me.

Can you help me? Help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope.

Please try to take down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands. For a child is very sensitive, and I am a child. Who am I you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. I am every man, every woman, every child, every human you meet.

The Greek Odysseus' friend Mentor + Jack Canfield: Finding a Mentor

In Greek mythology, 'Mentor' (Greek language | Greek: 'Μέντωρ/Méntōr'; gen.: έντορος)Mentor was the son of Alcumus and, in his old age, a friend of Odysseus. When Odysseus left for the Trojan War he placed Mentor in charge of his son,Telemachus, and of his palace.The Greek storyteller Homer tells of Odysseus, the King of Ithaca. In this tale, Odysseus asked his friend Mentor to watch over his son Telemachus while he fought in the Trojan War. Mentor was a faithful friend of Odysseus who was left behind on Ithaca as Telemachus' tutor; he was wise, sober, and loyal. Telemachus was just entering manhood and was very self-conscious about his duty and his father's reputation as a hero, which he felt he must live up to.

In this classic tale you can see that mentoring is one of the oldest forms of influence. Mentoring as a tool can be a powerful and popular way for people to gain personal and professional skills.

Synonyms: consultant, counselor, counsel, recommend, adviser, coach, counsellor, guide, instructor, teacher, trainer, tutor

Redundancy and Identity as a Man

So you have probably read about the unemployment statistics in the papers and think - poor bastards, that must be tough. The last month's statistics come out, and the numbers kind of blur into the background noise of the radio or television.

Well they did for me, until I became one of the Statistics. Yep, those numbers are actual people - maybe they should extend the news coverage to read out the names of the people made redundant in the previous month - yeah, not going to happen!

A weird dynamic occurs after the shock, denial, grief of a redundancy. Friends and relatives generally offer an amplified sympathetic response along the lines of 'Oh my God - that's terrible. What are you going to do? Don't worry, you'll get something in no time...' - all of course with the best intentions. Reality today, is that where there were 50-100 applicants for any one position, there are now up to 1000+. Employers are pulling their job vacancy ads after a few days because they simply can not cope with the sheer volume of applicants.

What does all of this have to do with identity? Well aside from financial strain, relationship strain, mental/emotional strain; a phenomena around self worth starts to kick in, and it is particularly potent [deliberate choice of words] for men. Traditionally the hunter, in more recent times, the provider, the man will naturally start to question himself, his worth, his ability. The whole topic of how we perceive our sense of our own self worth is the topic of another blog, another day, another time.

It is the role, that is topical right now. Man [and woman] has many roles to fulfill. And, we need to remember, there is a person, with a soul, an identity that occupies and performs those roles. It is far too easy for any of us mere mortals to associate with our roles and believe that we are in fact, our role/s. Now a very wise man, a close friend of mine, reminded me a few weeks ago that the reality is that we spend the best part of our day in our (job/profession/vocation) role, and of course that is going to influence who we are, or part of our identity. I wanted to debate it, but there comes a time when you are in the presence of an elder (well slightly, he's still young at heart) and just need to shut up and listen - well it was the case for me anyway!

If we associate with our job, or our role too much, it leaves us susceptable to outside influences impacting on our well-being, our sense of self. For example, if I were to introduce myself to someone and say, "Hi I am a Doctor/Builder/Director/Trainer/Laborer..." then I am associating my role with who I am. I am speaking at an Identity level as soon as I say "I am a...". Problem with this is that if external forces impact on that role (or my ability to perform that role), all of a sudden I personally am exposed. Exposed to the reality that if the role is taken away such as in the event of a redundancy, and I no longer fulfill the role (that I may have associated with), who am I without the role?

What are your roles in your life? How much do you associate your Self with these roles? Who are you (now)? Who are you without your roles?

Another wise friend recently said,

"I don't care what you are doing; I do care who you are being and whether you show up [for your life]"

Surround yourself with Men who will reflect your truth, call a spade a spade, and help you get to know who you are [being].

Phd's in Masculinity + your role as a man

Sitting next to a University Professor on the plane the other day - conversation steered (unlike the turbulent flight) to the topic his Phd - Masculinity.
Interesting given the recent publicity some of our sporting hero's have received for their efforts. So what is it? How is it formed in boys and men? When does it start? Who instills it? Who keeps it in check? How does it get distorted? Enough of the questions - this surely isn't a theoretical subject - it's a practical way of being. Or is it?

Thinking that I've done work on myself, I've got my masculinity in tact - I've counselled, coached, support men - I've got me s@#t together - I realised I also had an ego to go with all of that, and if I didn't keep my mouth shut I'd be Supersizing that Ego to go.

So, humility in check, I asked, then listened to my new Professor friend. Turns out that a lot of our fables, myths and stories (still used in schools as part of the 'modern day' curriculum) that centre around the hero boy as the main character - the boy does not have a Dad (or parents for that matter). Think back to The Jungle Story, Peter Pan, even as recently as Harry Potter. The are gazetted boy-hero has no father figure, no male role model - and our boys are learning to be just like him.

Young boys need their mothers; they need to balance, calm, love and care only a mother can give. Then, something shifts, and they need their father [or insert strong male father figure here] to rumble with, build, create and destroy with. Men are great for teaching boys the much needed boundaries they need for life. Men can rough and tumble, then stop at the height of excitement, and nurture and protect the boy from real harm (most will probably let him take a few knocks to 'ruff him up a little' - much to the mothers dismay). Then there is a time where the boy needs role models other than his father.

Some boys do get that healthy mentoring (away from their father), some don't. In both cases the boy may be attracted to some kind of sport because he is going to be able to get physical, hone his skills, and unconsciously get put on the straight and narrow by the coach. But where boys don't know boundaries, don't have solid values instilled in them - there's potential trouble. Because they will seek the leadership, guidance, mentoring from other boys or men who have not received any themselves - and Houston, we have a problem. The blind leading the blind some say.

My Professor friend on the plane backed this up - he posed the question:

"How can a boy be a good boy, and a good school boy?"

From his perspective, they are contradictory, diametrically opposed.

• Where does the question sit with you???
• How would you define a good boy as opposed to a good school boy?

Wouldn't be right to just give the answer - that'd be too easy. The hint is (compliance). Robert Bly wrote of the Wild Man in 'Iron John' - the Wild Man lies at the mythical root of a man's being; he is by no means compliant. I must add here that my new Professor friend did not agree with Robert Bly's writings, we had a difference of opinion on this point - I just love healthy debate.

We men need to understand our masculinity - all aspects of it. Not enough, and we are left with a society of airy-fairy, light and fluffy, half decafinated, passive aggressive cardboard cutouts of men that would blow over in a breeze [insert politically correct appologies somewhere around here]. Too much, and we are left with a society of aggressive, masoginous, disrespectful, purpose-less, lost men not even knowing how to ask for help to get them out of the turmoil they are in.

Get to know your own masculinity. Surround yourself with some men who are grounded, know themselves and even better, know and understand you! Us guys need that, we need someone (we trust) to be a bit more direct with us sometimes, call it how they see it, to give us some healthy feedback, and the reality check that keeps our Man-like Supersized Egos in place.So the Question is:

Outside of your roles in life - who are you being?