Phd's in Masculinity + your role as a man

Sitting next to a University Professor on the plane the other day - conversation steered (unlike the turbulent flight) to the topic his Phd - Masculinity.
Interesting given the recent publicity some of our sporting hero's have received for their efforts. So what is it? How is it formed in boys and men? When does it start? Who instills it? Who keeps it in check? How does it get distorted? Enough of the questions - this surely isn't a theoretical subject - it's a practical way of being. Or is it?

Thinking that I've done work on myself, I've got my masculinity in tact - I've counselled, coached, support men - I've got me s@#t together - I realised I also had an ego to go with all of that, and if I didn't keep my mouth shut I'd be Supersizing that Ego to go.

So, humility in check, I asked, then listened to my new Professor friend. Turns out that a lot of our fables, myths and stories (still used in schools as part of the 'modern day' curriculum) that centre around the hero boy as the main character - the boy does not have a Dad (or parents for that matter). Think back to The Jungle Story, Peter Pan, even as recently as Harry Potter. The are gazetted boy-hero has no father figure, no male role model - and our boys are learning to be just like him.

Young boys need their mothers; they need to balance, calm, love and care only a mother can give. Then, something shifts, and they need their father [or insert strong male father figure here] to rumble with, build, create and destroy with. Men are great for teaching boys the much needed boundaries they need for life. Men can rough and tumble, then stop at the height of excitement, and nurture and protect the boy from real harm (most will probably let him take a few knocks to 'ruff him up a little' - much to the mothers dismay). Then there is a time where the boy needs role models other than his father.

Some boys do get that healthy mentoring (away from their father), some don't. In both cases the boy may be attracted to some kind of sport because he is going to be able to get physical, hone his skills, and unconsciously get put on the straight and narrow by the coach. But where boys don't know boundaries, don't have solid values instilled in them - there's potential trouble. Because they will seek the leadership, guidance, mentoring from other boys or men who have not received any themselves - and Houston, we have a problem. The blind leading the blind some say.

My Professor friend on the plane backed this up - he posed the question:

"How can a boy be a good boy, and a good school boy?"

From his perspective, they are contradictory, diametrically opposed.

• Where does the question sit with you???
• How would you define a good boy as opposed to a good school boy?

Wouldn't be right to just give the answer - that'd be too easy. The hint is (compliance). Robert Bly wrote of the Wild Man in 'Iron John' - the Wild Man lies at the mythical root of a man's being; he is by no means compliant. I must add here that my new Professor friend did not agree with Robert Bly's writings, we had a difference of opinion on this point - I just love healthy debate.

We men need to understand our masculinity - all aspects of it. Not enough, and we are left with a society of airy-fairy, light and fluffy, half decafinated, passive aggressive cardboard cutouts of men that would blow over in a breeze [insert politically correct appologies somewhere around here]. Too much, and we are left with a society of aggressive, masoginous, disrespectful, purpose-less, lost men not even knowing how to ask for help to get them out of the turmoil they are in.

Get to know your own masculinity. Surround yourself with some men who are grounded, know themselves and even better, know and understand you! Us guys need that, we need someone (we trust) to be a bit more direct with us sometimes, call it how they see it, to give us some healthy feedback, and the reality check that keeps our Man-like Supersized Egos in place.So the Question is:

Outside of your roles in life - who are you being?